If you’ve watched Gilmore Girls, you’ll know that one of the central themes of the show is the “Friday night dinner” story line where Emily insists that Lorelai and Rory come for dinner every Friday night in exchange for her and her husband, Richard, paying for Rory’s private school tuition.
On the surface, it may seem silly to debate such a thing but, in this context, it’s a framework for how we manage our relationship with our children.
Is It Bribery or Is It Fairness?
In Emily’s view, having her daughter and granddaughter over for dinner once a week is very reasonable in exchange for their paying (I can’t remember if it was a loan or a gift) thousands of dollars in private school tuition.
In Lorelai’s view, this is just one more strict and unreasonable request/demand that her parents put on her — and an example of why she severed her relationship with them in the first place.
As a young person, one might identify more with Rory and Lorelai i.e. “How dare Emily demand such a thing?!” — they’re rich and have all the money in the world; shouldn’t they give with pleasure if it means Rory will have access to a better education?
As an adult/parent, one might identify with Emily and Richard — “why should they pay for anything really when their daughter and grand daughter haven’t been a fixture in their lives?” Just because they’re wealthy, doesn’t mean that they’re obliged to hand out cash or write cheques — even if it is for a good or noble cause.
As an aside: Are you Team Emily or Team Lorelai?
Teens and Family Obligations
But, it’s not just complicated things like money or holiday visits that can be a head-scratcher. For instance, it’s Easter weekend here in Canada (wishing you a very Happy Easter if you celebrate). So, it’s the perfect time to talk about teens, young adults and family obligations.
Whether it’s Easter Dinner, a Passover Seder, or a visit to the mosque, there can be debate and stress when it comes to going out. When kids are younger they don’t have a choice to stay at home alone while the rest of the family goes to visit family or friends — though they may squawk about it.
However, once they reach ‘tween-hood, you may start getting more push-back. Whether your teen or young adult needs to stay home and study, doesn’t like the people you’re visiting, doesn’t want to go to church (or synagogue or the mosque), we have to remember that kids have a right to their own opinions and we should allow them agency when possible.
This can be aggrevating, anxiety-producing, or frustrating — we know as parents that there are certain expectations and that our relatives or friends will be disappointed if our children don’t show up. And, we can get annoyed with our children if they don’t agree to come along.
It’s complicated. On one hand, we have to realize that teenagers are designed to focus on themselves — it’s literally part of their make-up at this stage. On the other hand, as a parent, we’re teaching our kids that others rely on us and/or we made a commitment and need to stick to it.
Compromise Can Work
The first thing you may want to consider is *why* your child doesn’t want to go. This article about non-violent communications might help with communication — I try practice NVC at home, with friends, and at work. You see, there may be underlying reasons why your child doesn’t want to join you. Don’t just assume they’re being selfish or lazy.
Also, on a practical level, I find that preparing and then reminding my kids in advance often works. I put the event or gathering in their digital calendars and then remind them the day before. If they don’t want to come or have a conflict, I try to explain why the event is important — religious holiday, family reunion, out-of-town relative visiting, important birthday, etc. and/or I try my best to compromise — we’ll stay two hours instead of four hours for instance. This doesn’t always work but usually we can come to some kind of agreement.
In the end, the outcome of a particular event doesn’t necessarily matter — it’s the communication and compromise that everyone will remember. However, I realize that some events are truly important and that, as parents, we may need to insist that our kids attend.
So, how does it work in your house? Do you try to compromise or do you insist that kids come along? Are family gatherings mandatory for your fam or do you let them pick and choose depending on their age, the type of event, or the location? Feel free to comment.
Until next time…
Yours in imperfect parenting,
Lisa
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