Last weekend, as part of my work as a facilitator for vulnerable youth, I was privileged to participate in a 4.5 hour workshop on Non-Violent Communication.
What is NVC you might ask? It’s both what it sounds like - and not. I love the simple explanation on the NVC site: “We learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC helps us discover the depth of our own compassion. This language reveals the awareness that all human beings are only trying to honor universal values and needs, every minute, every day.”
Basically, non-violent communication teaches us to be compassionate listeners — with ourselves as well as our children, friends, family, colleagues, and fellow citizens.
Listening & Speaking
Led by an instructor, the 40 or so participants in the workshop went through various exercises where we listened without judgement to a “speaker” who talked us through a 2-minute overview of a scenario or situation they were struggling with and then identified their feelings about it.
During this time, two “listeners” made notes while they spoke and then, using a grid of needs that we were provided with, tried to empathize with the speaker by asking if the feelings they identified i.e. anger, frustration, guilt, worry, anxiety, pride, etc. were showing up because an unmet need was present.
Working Examples of Listening
Here are examples of how the listeners shared feedback with the speaker:
“Lisa, are you feeling upset because safety is important to you?”
“Lisa, are you feeling fragile because you’re seeking connection?”
“Lisa, because acceptance matters to you, are you feeling resentful?”
Then the speaker would let the listeners know if they were on the right track. It’s a very powerful exercise and every speaker said they felt that the feedback gave them new insights towards their situation.
“While we may not consider the way we talk to be ‘violent,’ words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or ourselves.” — Marshall Rosenberg
Try NVC With Your Kids
Just like the quote above, we may not think the way we communicate is violent per se but words are so powerful. So, the next time your child is telling you how they feel whether that’s directly or indirectly i.e. through their actions, try not to dismiss, admonish, get angry, or laugh. Instead, try to understand what unmet need is being felt through those feelings or actions.
Remember: Sticks and stones may break your bones but words do hurt — and they impact our fellow human beings far more than we ever imagined. So, take your job as a “listener” seriously and try to look beyond the surface next time you’re engaging with your children, students, friends or neighbours.
Yours in peaceful parenting,
Lisa