Does guilt serve us? I had a friend who used to say that guilt is a useless emotion. I do not agree that it’s useless but I do think that, as parents, we need to loosen the rope of stress & worry that’s often tightly wound around our hearts and minds.
The other day, I heard an interview on CBC Radio with an author. I was only half-listening but, towards the end of the interview, Matt Galloway asked the author for one tip related to modern-day parents. I thought the author was going to say something like: “Parents need to give their kids a break” or “Parents should be more understanding of what their children are going through right now…” Instead, he said that parents should give themselves a break. I was surprised.
Now, I cannot find a link to that episode right now but, I did find the transcript for a similar interview with author Ann Douglas from a 2019 CBC Tapestry show. In the interview, she says:
“Parents today are facing more pressure and scrutiny than ever…All the messages that I think parents get from the broader society are really harsh and judgmental and I would say often unfair…"
While many writers, researchers, and experts (including me!) promote the need for agency for children & teens, we need to remember that parents are also human beings with our own needs, hopes, and desires separate from our children.
Big Picture Parenting
Instead of pressing and stressing, we as parents should let up and hone in on what really matters. This may differ for families but I would argue that understanding and focusing on the “big picture” is key when choosing your battles as a parent.
Sure, your kid’s room is messy but, in the end, does that REALLY matter? Maybe. And, sure, you didn’t buy your kid the Hanukkah gift he really wanted because it was too damn expensive but, again, in the end, does that really matter?
This holiday season I suggest we all take in a day (or afternoon) of self-care. That might mean sending your kid to daycare and you stay home in your jammies watching Christmas movies. Or, it could mean spending a quiet morning at the library reading the latest best-seller.
Whatever you’re able and choose to do this season… please don’t feel guilty or feel the need to be “on” all of the time. Relish in your role here not as provider but as human being.
As Ann Douglas says in that same article: "When we give our kids the gift of a gloriously imperfect parent, we give our kids permission to be gloriously imperfect too.”
Parenting-Related Reco’s
There are a ton of amazing Substackers and others who write about parenting, psychology, sociology, and modern-day life whom I admire. Here are a few:
Nedra’s Nuggets — Spot-on psychology and self-care advice
Parent Data — Expert research & straight-shooting articles
Vanier Institute for the Family — Science-backed articles, interviews and news
Inner Workings by Rachel Katz — Genius musings
Bonus: My newish freelance writing Substack - Secrets from an HSP Copywriter
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Until next time…
Yours in imperfect parenting,
Lisa