Over the last few weeks, I’ve listened to bits and pieces of a podcast covering the life of iconic Indigenous Canadian folk singer Buffy Sainte-Marie. While Buffy is a legend, an activist, and a prolific and celebrated singer, she has also experienced very dark times in her life which include abuse and trauma.
While I was listening to the podcast this week, on the way home from driving my daughter and her friends to their camp job, Buffy mentioned that she didn’t fit in as a child BUT that she was okay not fitting in i.e. she enjoyed her solitude and felt like that it taught her resilience and creativity - which obviously served her well.
This made me start thinking about what it means to fit in. Maybe Buffy didn’t mind being an independent being but what about YOUR kid? Almost no parent wants to learn that their child is being left out or doesn’t fit in. We want our children to feel loved, wanted, social and respected.
There are both common and uncommon reasons why children sometimes don’t fit in:
Neurodiversity: People who are neurodiverse don’t necessarily think, act, or respond the way that other people do. This includes kids and adults who are Highly Sensitive People. We might hold back before joining in an activity or a group to take in the vibes and decide whether we’re comfortable joining.
Bullying: Your child might be being bullied either directly or subtley (mean looks, comments or jokes made in passing, cyberbullying, gaslighting) and, as such, they are trying to avoid certain people or groups OR people are avoiding them because they don’t want to be targeted as well. Building their self-worth and self-esteem will help kids avoid being the target of bullies.
Social Practice: Sometimes people need help in social situations. In fact, just this week my daughter was telling me that one of her current best friends said almost nothing (meaning she uttered no words at all) during the first two months they knew one another back in elementary school. The girl was new to the school and very shy. She played with my daughter & friends at recess but said nothing for a long time.
Intense Creativity: Like Buffy Sainte-Marie, your child might be seen as “different” but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. We’ve all heard the stories of Van Gogh, Einstein, Steve Jobs, Priyanka Chopra, etc. being bullied or feeling like an outcast in school. However, highly intelligent and/or creative people often have the last laugh. Just because your child isn’t popular doesn’t mean he’s bad, wrong, or broken.
It’s great to rationalize and understand why your kid might not fit in at school, camp, sports, etc. but, at the same time, we should assist them in understanding what might be happening and help address the issue if they feel slighted, lonely or misunderstood. Having a growth mindset, high self-worth and parents, siblings, and relatives who relate to them and love them all help to make children feel respected and valued.
Yours in peaceful parenting,
Lisa