The Myth of Normal
How Trauma Blankets Our Parenting...
Hello, Philosphical Parent.
Note: The following is an article I wrote and published exactly two years ago. I hope you’ll find the content as hard hitting and useful today. Lisa
The original focus of this newsletter was going to be about the use of the word “normal” in our society. You see, yesterday I heard a meaningful interview on CBC Radio featuring Gabor Maté speaking about his new book, The Myth of Normal and I expected that it was going to touch on the literal idea of what is “normal”.
However, when I began to research his book, it appears to be focused more on trauma and how it shows up in ourselves, our children, our families and in society — far more than any of us realizes.
You see, trauma is at the root of many of our responses…mostly in our responses to things that are disappointing, embarrassing, or that don’t go our way. Here’s a fascinating quote from Maté’s book:
“Trauma pervades our culture, from personal functioning through social relationships through parenting, education, popular culture, economics and politics. In fact, someone without the marks of trauma would be an outlier in our society.”
Wild, right?! Or, if you’re on top of the topic of trauma-informed parenting - maybe this is not a revelation. I’ve learned, through Gabor Mate and other experts, including Dr. Nicole LePera, that our various traumas feed almost everything we do including, and most especially, influencing our parenting styles.
Trauma-Informed Parenting
Whether you’re permissive because your own parents were extremely strict and controlling and you want your child to feel free to explore their world and independence or you feel the need to constantly check your child’s social media, whereabouts and personal messages because you’re (unreasonably) worried about their safety, past trauma all feed into our behaviours.
Now, this is not to scare all of us parents into thinking that our own concerns and experiences as well as those of our partners’ and parents will ruin our children (guilt is a thing, right?!). However, we do need to be aware that these experiences don’t just exist on their own and/or just disappear into a void — they stay within the body and the mind and are often passed on to the next generation — directly or indirectly.
The sooner that we understand how inter-generational trauma is expressed and get real about our own experiences and influences, the better equipped we will be to parent our children in a way that is authentic and meaningful.
“We inherit pain. When it’s not coped with, it gets passed again.”
-Merissa Nathan Gerson, author & visiting assistant professor of communications at Tulane University.
The last thing we want to do is pretend that difficult experiences don’t exist and bypass any grief, worry, anxiety, frustration, or pain expressed by our children. Noticing, acknowledging, and discussing these emotions is the first step to healing.
Yours in peaceful parenting,
Lisa