Should Highly Sensitive People Have Children?
Is having a child just too much for an already overloaded nervous system?
This may seem like a strange or controversial question for some people but, trust me, it is a theme that comes up quite a lot in the HSP community.
For those who identify as a Highly Sensitive Person or are partnered with someone who is HSP, you’ll know that the profound identifiers of this trait don’t necessarily mesh with parenthood:
Extreme sensitivity to noise – especially loud or repetitive noises
The need for a lot of alone time – often much more than the average person
Dislike of change and urgency – many HSP’s dislike change – especially sudden change
Dealing with intense emotions – Highly Sensitive People have the ability to instantly absorb other people’s feelings and moods including children
These are just some of the characteristics of Highly Sensitive People that can make parenting challenging.
Advice & Guidance
As an HSP with two teenagers, I can identify and offer support and advice. While I didn’t realize I was a Highly Sensitive Person (or even know about this trait) until about 12 years ago, I have learned a lot through lived experience and research. While it would have been helpful to know in advance how pregnancy, labour and delivery and parenthood would affect me as a Highly Sensitive Person, honestly, nothing fully prepares you for anything of that nature until you go through it yourself. Those of you who are already parents will most likely concur.
That said, if you’re an HSP or partner with someone who is Highly Sensitive and you’re considering having children, here is some guidance & advice:
It Takes a Village:
Have a back-up plan in place in advance. This holds true for all new mothers/parents but especially so for HSPs. Work hard to ensure you have kind, considerate family members, friends or neighbours on call to help out when you and/or your partner are exhausted and in need of a break. If, like me, you don’t have relatives nearby, start to investigate appropriate babysitters or nannies in advance of having your child. Trust me – you’ll thank me for this suggestion.
There will be times where you’ll just want to have a shower or go for a walk in peace without worrying about your baby or young child. If you have people willing to come by at a moment’s notice or at a designated time each week, that will help your state of mind.
TechTok:
Though I am not pushing increased use in technology at all — especially for kids and teens (see my articles about that here and here), there are many ways in which technology can help as a Highly Sensitive Parent.
Hands-free devices like Alexa or Google Home can help you out when your hands aren’t free. There was no such thing when my kids were babies but I can already see how this can be a life-saver: Ask Alexa to play lullabies or “white noise” to help your child sleep or fun kids’ music or videos when your babe is fussy.
Or, you can ask Google for recipes, weather or the news while you’re preparing lunch or washing the dishes. I’m sure there are myriad other uses (like listening to podcasts if your babe is sleeping on you and you don’t want to move) that I haven’t even dreamed up yet.
Sleep is Your Best Friend:
Every parenting site and magazine says things like, “sleep while your baby sleeps; don’t worry about the laundry or dishes.” And, that is TOTALLY true. Your sleep is key to feeling sane as an HSP parent. If you must do something while your baby or toddler sleeps, try to take some quiet time out during that period to get some fresh air, meditate, chill, or read a book.
Again, if it’s at all possible, ask friends or family to babysit so you can catch a nap during the day. Sleep will keep you healthy, sane and happier. If you have a partner and they are available, make sure you let them know that your sleep is crucial.
If you’re comfortable, have your baby sleep with you. Some people find that odd or dangerous but I did it and it worked really well for us – everyone sleeps better that way. Read accredited sources about the benefits and possible risks of sleeping in the same bed as your baby.
Be Prepared:
If you decide to have a baby or adopt or foster a baby or child, set up as many things in advance as you can. Set up a calm, clutter-free space for the baby and yourself. Make sure the temperature is good in all seasons, you have music or fresh air or a mobile, etc. – whatever you need to keep yourself and your baby calm and happy.
See if your Public Health department offers new mom/baby groups in your area. It’s a good way to meet other local parents. Now that Facebook and other social media offer Highly Sensitive People groups, you might even want to hook up with other parents in your region.
Investigate walks, hikes, trails in your area that you can walk with your baby and/or walk by yourself or with friends or your partner. Having fresh air, exercise and socialization is really key for HSP parents no matter the weather or the season. Get a stroller that is durable and easy to use so you can get out and about without too much fuss.
If you see a therapist, mention your pregnancy/plans for adoption to him or her so you can get those building blocks in place. Mention this to your midwife or doctor too so that you can brainstorm ways that you can stay calm, rested, healthy and happy as a Highly Sensitive Parent.
Some Final Real Talk
Honestly, though I love babies, children and teenagers – especially my own – parenthood is not for everyone and I fully respect people who know they won’t be good parents or simply do not want to have children. I don’t think that’s selfish at all – I feel like it’s actually very wise and mature to identify this reality. There are so many children who are unwanted, abused, neglected as well as parents who don’t know or don’t care how to be a good parent.
If you’re wavering about having children, you could do a series of tests first. You might ask to babysit nieces, nephews or neighbourhood children. You might want to look into foster care or adoption through your local Children’s Aid Society. Even owning a pet like a puppy or kitten is a tiny window into parenthood: A wee, helpless being who relies on you as the parent to make sure their needs are taken care of — regardless of whether you’re tired, stressed out, busy, or don’t feel like it.
I’d love to know your thoughts. Comment here or write to me at: kidsmentalhealthmag@gmail.com